Grounding On the Sly : How to Manage Anxiety When You are Stuck Somewhere

Grounding on the Sly: How to Regulate When You Can’t Leave

Grounding on the Sly: How to Regulate When You Can’t Leave

Last Saturday I found myself at a holiday party in a spectacular house owned by my wealthy, well connected acquaintances. I was my husband’s plus one and felt out of place. I didn’t know a single person besides the hosts. And I didn’t really know them. Within minutes, I could feel it happening: that internal notation of the exits, the tightness in my chest and the urge to escape.

My nervous system was clearly up-regulating. I wanted to be in a calm state, loose limbed and friendly curious about new people, but my body had decided we were in fight or flight.

The problem was, I couldn’t just leave. Socially, it wasn’t an option. So the question became one I’ve asked (and taught) many times since: How do you rescue yourself when you have to stay put?

This is where grounding on the sly comes in. These are quiet, invisible self-rescues—techniques my clients learn for moments when dysregulation hits in meetings, at dinners, on planes, or in any situation where outward coping isn’t possible.

Below are three of my favourites:

1. Occupy the Mind, Slow the Body: 4-7-8 Breathing

When your nervous system is activated, your mind often races. Mine sure does. My thoughts get less coherent and more jumpy. Telling yourself to “just calm down” rarely works because the body is already driving the bus.

That’s why 4-7-8 breathing is so effective. It’s structured and complex enough to engage a busy mind (Here, brain, chew on this!), while simultaneously slowing the breath—one of the fastest ways to signal safety to the nervous system.

Here’s how it works:

• Inhale through your nose for 4

• Hold the breath for 7

• Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8

Repeat this cycle three or four times.

The counting gives your mind something to do. The extended exhale gently shifts your system away from sympathetic activation (fight or flight) and toward parasympathetic regulation (rest and digest). No one around you needs to know you’re doing it—and yet internally, everything begins to slow.

2. Tune Your Senses to Solidity

When we’re anxious or overstimulated, awareness tends to become unmoored as we escape into anxious thoughts, worries, and imagined outcomes. We start to think that we can mind-read and imagine other’s negative thoughts about us. One powerful way to interrupt this is to bring attention back to physical solidity.

Quietly ask yourself:

• Can I feel my feet solidly on the floor?

• Can I feel the weight of my body supported by the chair?

• Can I feel my back against something firm?

You’re not trying to change anything—just noticing what is already holding you. As you slow your breath turn your attention to the pressure that gravity creates. I like the phrase, “I know I am being held”.

This sensory input sends a simple but profound message to your nervous system:I am supported. I am not in danger.

The body understands pressure, weight, and contact far more quickly than logic.

3. Regulate Through Vision: The Look-Around Technique

Our eyes play a major role in threat detection. When we’re dysregulated, vision often becomes narrow and hard, another hallmark of fight or flight.

This technique uses the eyes (not the head) to gently signal that the environment is safe.

Here’s how:

1. Without moving your head, look as far to one side as you comfortably can using only your eyes. Pause there for a moment.

2. Slowly move your eyes all the way to the other side. Pause again.

3. Then, softly scan the space in front of you.

4. Finally, let your eyes land on one object that stands out—something neutral or pleasant.

5. Gaze at that one thing until you notice a spontaneous sigh, swallow, or yawn.

These are signs that your nervous system is down-regulating:shifting out of fight or flight and back toward rest and digest.

This isn’t about forcing calm. It’s about giving your system the sensory evidence it needs to feel safe enough. As a side benefit, with the extreme eye positions you are cuing safety to you vagal nerve as well. This nerve system is massive and is involved in the up or down regulation in your body and mind. So cuing safety to this nerve is effective.

Quiet Rescues That Change Everything

That night at the party, I didn’t stay late but I also didn’t leave early or in a panic. I didn’t push myself to perform or pretend. I regulated quietly, from the inside out. And eventually, my body caught up with the reality that I was safe, even if I felt out of place.